Remembering...

I grew up knowing that Jesus loved me…

For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Jesus loves me, this I know; for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong; they are weak, but He is strong. Jesus loves me when I’m good; when I do the things I should; Jesus loves me when I’m bad, though it makes Him very sad. Yes, Jesus loves me; the Bible tells me so.

I might’ve thought Jesus was sad a lot…

I remember one day in a Sunday School prayer, feeling love gushing through me and I just wanted to touch the person beside me and let it flow. I did not touch that person…however, I did stretch and put my hand behind them during the prayer. My prayer in that moment was that they would know and understand how much Jesus loved them. I was just a little kid.

I remember a time when I was a teenager. I was definitely not walking with God. A friend of a relative called and was in a very scary and bizarre situation. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew we had to pray and what came to mind was the Lord ’s Prayer. I asked the person to repeat it after me. We made it through the entire prayer – but it was strange and I’ll never forget the experience. Evil seemed strong – but the Lord’s Prayer proved STRONGER!

I remember as a young, single mother…still not really walking with God; however, I did pray often. I struggled to understand why on earth God would allow my innocent baby to run such high fevers and feel pain. I would’ve given anything to take it away. I wondered to Him and begged Him for relief.

A few years later; same scenario… I still wondered how God could allow terrible things to happen to innocent children. I could have killed for reasons I won’t go into … but I loved my children way too much to live the rest of my days in prison. I wondered why God didn’t protect them. It wasn’t fair. Although, I had heard that God visited the sins of the father on the children and the children’s children to the third and fourth generation.

I had a breakdown. I was a mental/emotional mess. My physical health was in jeopardy. Even a trickle of water from a sink faucet hurt my skin. I was in a small church…and was trying to trust God. I wanted to know He was with me and my kids. We needed His help and protection. I was afraid of losing what I loved most. During that time, I dedicated my children to the Lord. I was also slain in the Spirit for the first time ever – not that I understood completely – but I sure did need the time out and the peace that I woke up with – able to hear things going on around me – yet, I laid there without a care in the world – in complete peace; thanking and praising Jesus. That was a brief experience and following, I saw amazing and miraculous things happen in our situation. I knew God was watching over us.

During the following years, our lives changed drastically in many ways. I made some major life changing decisions and got sucked into a whole new world on many levels. I sought the Lord as best as I knew how – but, I had no idea what I was doing.

I was angry and depressed…a ball of stress. It was hard to hide it. There was way too much for me to handle in my life. My friends probably thought I was crazy and they were probably right. I had absolutely nothing to give…but I was a wife and a mother. In my desperation, I cried out to God daily and asked Him to let the love of Jesus flow through me to my husband and children. I prayed that I would only say things that magnified and glorified God or that uplifted and encouraged other people.

A few years later, I was baptized with my kids. It was more than an act of obedience; it was an amazing spiritual experience for me –again, not that I understood completely.

I started growing in the Lord and learned that I was an ambassador for Christ. As I took a step of faith to live that way, tragedy struck and I took a few steps back in fear. I still did not completely trust God. Why was it that He did not protect what I loved most?

Sometime later, a devastating thing happened to someone I knew. My heart’s desire was to encourage, but it kind of backfired. I kicked myself. God used it to grow me! I wanted answers and well, to make a long story short; when you seek…you will find.

What I found was an amazing God…that I had never really known. Wow!

I learned a lot…and for as much as I learned, I had to unlearn some things as well. If you only ever listen to what you hear and never dig in and check it out for yourself, you may end up believing some pretty erroneous things. For the specific thing I was searching for, I found that it was connected to so much more. One verse that would change my life (and that of my family) was made real to me in such a way that I will always remember. Hebrews 4:12 – the Word of God is truly alive and full of power! Word of God, speak!!

Sometimes, learning wasn’t quite so exciting…and at times, it was downright frustrating. It was hard for me to grasp how to receive God’s love for me. I knew with my mind…but I didn’t KNOW with my being. It was something I had to receive and I had no idea how. When I first realized, I had been trying to convince somebody else of how blessed they were and how much God loved them. I couldn’t understand how they couldn’t see! The next morning when I woke up, I cried – with an understanding that what He had done, was just as much for me. It was absolutely humbling. There were two more significant times – and both times, it was unmistakably clear. I will never again question God’s amazing love for me.

As for God’s will; it is His will and He is God – I am not. But, I do believe that His will is good. I do not question that. When bad things happen, I don’t blame God anymore. I know there are natural consequences for my actions. I know this world is full of trials and troubles. I know I have an enemy simply because I am a child of God. I also know Jesus Christ – who has overcome the world, defeated death, redeemed even me, and reigns in victory!

I still have much to learn and I have plenty of unanswered questions – but not about the love, mercy, grace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and faithfulness of God towards mankind – especially for His children! God is great and greatly to be praised. He is holy. He is worthy of all glory, honor, and praise. I am in awe of Him and I respect and revere Him – which means I fear Him – but I am not afraid of Him. If I were, I could not testify without second guessing. I know He is not out to get me. I know He is for me and not against me. I can look back now and see that He has been with me always; and He really was protecting me and those I love the most. I can see how He has prepared me for trials I’ve had to endure. I am thankful for His gifts and promises. I’m thankful for who He is and all of His attributes. I'm thankful that my correction comes through His Word - and through truth in love.

Growing in the Lord has been beneficial. If I wasn’t sure of His love for me and that His will is good, I would not have been able to fully appreciate the gift of salvation – which includes so much more than a ticket to Heaven – or to stand in the gift of faith; fully at rest, knowing that His faithfulness would not fail me and His Word would not return void. I owe Him everything. Without Him, I am nothing. And that is a beautiful thing.

Beautiful lyrics…written by John Mark McMillan:

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane; I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affections are for me. And we are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. And Heaven meets earth like sloppy wet kiss, And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way...He loves us, Oh, how He loves us!