Rising Up

Alrighty...it's time to rise up, gather round, rock this place to the ground.  Just kidding - ha!  It is time for me to get out of the pit though.  I'm not a victim - though I have certainly felt that way for months.  I am who God says I am - and that is victorious in Christ Jesus - and more than a conqueror in Him who loves me!  I saw the word 'beloved' today and thought...I just need to let myself BE LOVED?!  I took a moment to thank God for people He has put in my life to do just that.

I've been kind of confused lately.  Pain and agony took a toll - it's been all I can do to stay afloat.  Not by might nor by power of mine has it been either.  It was God who was faithful to rescue me when I was about to drown. He renewed my mind when I was too weak to do anything but listen.  Faith comes by hearing and by hearing the Word of God.  It's true...God's Word built my faith back up.  Going forward, it didn't make things easier - but it did make it possible.  All things are possible with God!  

In different areas, great opportunities were within reach to learn and grow.  I took steps and  I was excited.  In one area, when it looked like there was a hindrance, I simply said, "God, I know if it's Your will, You will make a way."  I was ready to dive in to new waters!  But...

In the health journey, I was in pain and ready to give up again - so tired of suffering - buffeted by a thorn in my flesh - seriously!  Crying out to God, "WHAT IS IT?  WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?  WHATEVER IT IS, JUST TELL ME!"  When I heard a word, I didn't ask any questions or wait for more.  I acted on it.  Compulsive?  Maybe, but I did wait a couple days - and prayed and talked it over with my husband.  At peace with what I thought was right, I took a sharp left turn - you know, when nothing is going right?!  Jonah was the word...he went the wrong way...was that what I was doing?  My heart broke as I trusted and obeyed.  Every step I was about to take to advance; I abandoned.  A timely talk with my mentor came next.  She did what a good mentor would do and reminded me of the truth - it's not you - it's not what you are doing or not doing - it's what JESUS has ALREADY DONE!  I assured her that I knew that - but, I really felt like I had been disobedient - and though I liked the path I had been on, I was sure I should go the other way.  And, I did.

Confusing - and though I know confusion is not from God; I was confused - and still might be.  Gifts can be overwhelming.  There's one that has overwhelmed me for so long and continues to do so.  I know I hear - but I'm not always sure about what I hear.  I think this time, the whispers may not have been the still, small voice of God - but rather the whispers of the enemy.  Have they been all along?  That is yet to be determined.  He knows God's Word.  He knows when someone is dangerous.  And he will do everything in his power to stand in the way of God's Kingdom advancing.  He is fully aware that I am at my wit's end with pain and agony.  Was he taking advantage of my weakness...and whispering lies?  You haven't listened - you haven't obeyed - you've ignored warnings - you've been basking - feeding your flesh.  My mind went crazy with accusations.  Oh my!  Have I?  How could something that seems so good - and by all sensible reason is good - be wrong?  Where has my focus been?  Has it been on Jesus?  Do I have an idol?  Did I do the right thing?  Did I pray in the right way - or enough?  Did I ignore the Lord?  Is that why I'm not better?

And, what about all the years I ignored pain and went on with life because I had to.  Am I paying for it now?  Maybe.  But, I've argued that point with people I love - so, why would I accept it for myself?  Jesus paid the price.  It's fairly unconditional - all we have to do is believe.  But in the heat of the battle - when we are weak and tired - parched and famished - the questions burn.  How is it possible that it's all taken care of?  How can I really not have to do anything?  It goes against every grain - grace.  It feels good to rest - but the pull to 'do' something - anything - is strong.  

I could go on...but, better than that - let me just remind myself how good God is.  Thank You Lord for good, loving, people with skin on; that You have put in my life to love me like Jesus.  Thank You for loving me no matter what - whether I hear right or not - whether I walk right or talk right - whether I get it right...or not.  Thank You that I AM HEALED by the stripes of Jesus - and that truth outweighs, overpowers, and trumps any fact, scheme, or lie of the enemy.  Thank You for grace every day to trust You more.  Thank You for coming after me when I stray, and keeping me sheltered and safely covered.  In Christ alone, I stand.  At rest.

Waiting on You, Lord - and in GRACE, I will en-JOY the wait.  No more rollercoaster - help me to keep Your truth before me.  : )