...that tests my resolve rather frequently. You know, one of those situations where it seems that grace might not be enough. How much more can I take? Because, um, I've been past my limit forever already! ONLY by God's grace - and in His grace alone am I still standing. I don't say that with pride either. I don't feel successful - and I take blows (figuratively speaking) that knock the wind out of me. It used to take a while to get back up. Now, not quite so long... I'm not a quitter - although I feel like quitting at times. I am victorious - although I feel like a victim at times. Right there is where the fight is.
My faith is a gift - and I know that God is the faithful one. So, why is it easy to believe without doubt in some areas...and then in others, have such a battle just to keep hoping?
As a backdrop: I've been fighting off some minor symptoms for a couple of weeks. Nothing major. I took it easy, got lots of rest and didn't push myself too hard so they didn't get the better of me. I missed out on several things that I normally do during the process - my choice. Long story short, I had been hoping to attend a special meeting and ended up arriving an hour early...which wasn't the worst thing...but I did kind of wish I'd gotten that extra hour of sleep! I wasn't the only early bird. God had orchestrated a divine appointment. So, a lady whom I'd never met - that didn't know anything about me, spoke words of knowledge that were spot on - and then encouraged me prophetically. Oh, what a blessing! In times like those, I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God sees me, cares about me, and loves me so much!!!
Let me just say that the two areas that I received encouragement in have been HIT and HARD!! Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Both areas have been tough - and not just lately - but, for the entire duration of what is. :p I wish it was as cute as that little tongue face. Ha, but it's not. I met both head on from the very beginning - taking full responsibility and positive action. It has taken perseverance - which has definitely worked on my character.
Yesterday morning, (3 days later) literally one moment after I had taken steps to resolve something that had come up in one area - an abrupt change in plans occurred. Somebody banged on the front door and rang the doorbell at the same time - which never is real good news...lol. I kind of nervously tiptoed to the door to see who it was (all the while wishing that somebody else would have done it) and not being able to tell who it was - except not an officer (yay) I opened the door a crack. It was the Atmos Energy guy with an order to shut off our gas. I was obviously in a state of surprise and shock and he kindly told me that if I paid the bill online or over the phone within 30 minutes, he wouldn't do it. I headed straight from the door to the computer to check our bank account - so I'd know exactly how much I had to work with - grabbed the bill and called the company. An arrangement was made and the disconnection order was canceled. Whew! I had peace the entire time, and was SO thankful for the advance warning from a kind and compassionate person.
Back to the first issue. Not quite so smooth. When the attack came, it caught me off guard and I reacted in a not so nice way. Though I remained calm on the outside, my spirit/heart was reeling on the inside. I took a shower, cried, asked God why, asked Him to help me, and thanked Him for His hand in the other situation. I really was thankful. I even sang to Him. The LIFE had been sucked right out of my spirit/heart; but the day had to go on. After shuffling things around and a break down; we had our morning devotion. Reading the bible dried up my tears, though they kept trying to come back through the day. I think oppression's goal was to choke me; it was thick! Thankfully, I dwell in the shelter of the Most High and rest in the shadow of the Almighty. He is my refuge and fortress. I trust Him and His faithfulness is my shield. I made it through the day...not with a happy face or a happy heart...but definitely with a thankful heart. Joy was there; not giddy, but strength. All day, I kept thinking about compassion and grace - which kept me thankful.
To end the day: I ran to the store and the huge flock of birds at McD & 75 pooped all over my car - gross, I know! Walking through the store with no make-up and no smile - I was surprised when an employee stepped out from an aisle, made eye contact, smiled and said, 'Hey.' That made my day. Then, later, I got a message from a friend that had the cutest little quote in it that touched my heart and THAT made me smile!
I knew today would be a better day...and it was for the most part. Then, tonight as I was getting ready for church, I remembered I had written a check for tithe on Sunday. Oops. I did not think of that when I checked the account yesterday morning. A quick peek tonight revealed that sure enough, it bounced. Thankfully it was the tithe check and not the rent. So, now we owe our tithe plus a fee to the bank. Nice. The bouncy Tigger story I read to Abby and Alivia yesterday came to mind - but, not quite so 'fun, fun, fun, fun, fun'. LOL
God is good and He always takes care of me. The thing that bothers me the most is the heart issue. It hurts. I am tired. I don't want to be near where I am. I don't want to be nice - much less lovely. And I don't want to have to pretend like everything is okay and nothing is wrong. It's not okay and something is definitely wrong! I fight temptation to fight for myself. I have the words from Saturday that no doubt came straight from God, to hang onto. He does not lie. And so, I have hope - only in CHRIST who is my STRENGTH and HOPE of GLORY!
I did my best to ignore the enemy's ploys ('cause you know he's always trying to make a show) and went to church to worship tonight - and wouldn't you know that the songs sung wouldn't allow for joy with no smile. I'm glad I didn't give in to the temptation to stay home. The message was good too. God, please let it sink in!
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